Is Personal Growth Hurting Your Relationships? Here's what to do.

TLDR: What I Learned From Separating From My Husband (And Getting Back Together)

Have you ever felt completely alone in your personal growth journey - like the more you expand, the further apart you and your partner grow? You're doing the work, investing in yourself, evolving... and instead of bringing you closer together, it's creating distance, tension, and maybe even resentment.

You are not alone. And you are not doing anything wrong.

In this episode, I'm sharing something I debated making public – last year, Joey and I separated. And what we learned on the other side of that is the most important thing I've ever figured out about relationships, personal development, and choosing yourself without losing the person you love.

In This Episode You'll Learn:

• Why your partner feels threatened by your growth — and why it has nothing to do with them not loving you or wanting to hold you back. When you start expanding, your partner often hears something you never said out loud. Understanding what that is changes everything.
• The reframe that changes the whole dynamic — your desires are activating inadequacy in your partner. This isn't your fault. But it is your responsibility to understand it — and this episode shows you exactly how.
• What I wish I had known — the honest masculine perspective on what was actually happening for him when I was deep in my growth journey. This is the thing most women never get to hear, and it will shift how you see your relationship completely.
• The really uncomfortable truth that nobody talks about – The exact thing that set me free. I know that sounds scary. Stay with me.

Key Takeaways:

— Your growth isn't the problem. How you're relating to the gap between you is.

— Your partner isn't resisting you. They're scared. And probably don't have the language for it yet.

— The work starts with you — getting clear, getting honest, and being willing to speak your truth even when the outcome isn't guaranteed.

— Agency in your relationship starts with embodying your own truth first. Not waiting for him to catch up.

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I mentioned an exercise in this episode that I'm not going to walk you through here because I want to do it WITH you live so you can actually feel it. 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hello and welcome to Fuck Around and Get Paid, the podcast where we get real about what it is that you want from life so you can have the best time on this planet and get paid to do it. How does that sound? In this episode, we're going to talk about what to do when your personal growth is hurting your relationships. This is real, y'all. This is a conversation about what I learned from separating from my husband and getting back together in the past year. Let's dive in. Hey there, friends. Welcome back to the podcast. In today's podcast, I'm going to talk about something that happened exactly one year ago this week. One year ago this week. I decided, and Joey decided, but in my mind, I thought I was the only one who was deciding in this moment that our relationship was no longer working for me. It wasn't working. The way that things were was I was not going to tolerate it anymore. And now this is something I come from the Midwest, my friends. This is not something that you talk about. And in fact, I grew up very Catholic. Can you be, can you, can you be very Catholic? Are you just Catholic? No, you're very Catholic. I grew up with this mentality that Midwestern Catholic girl, you are married, you are married for life, you are just trucking till the end of time together. And so this decision for us to, after being together for nearly 25 years, we've been together since since 17 years old, to say this is no longer for me was a big effing deal, my friends. And in my mind and in my energy and everything, I was completely done. I was not going to tolerate the things that I had previously been tolerating. And I was like, this is not working. And I had the conversation with him and just said, uh, something's got to give here. And that was big. And I know that I'm not the only one has who has experienced all the things that led to this. And so I want to share in this episode the things that I have learned because in that moment, I never could have imagined what happened for us. And I'm not saying that our scenario and what we have been through is going to be the scenario for everybody. It absolutely is 100% everybody's journey, is their journey. However, there are things that I wish I had known. And not only that, I will tell you that the number one question, hands down, I've been working in self-development for years and specifically have been working in self-development with women for years. And the number one question that I have heard over and over hundreds of times said in hundreds of different ways is the my relationships are hurting from my personal growth. What do I do when I notice that my family members, my spouse, my closest friends are not in this with me? There is tension here. I'm noticing that something is going on. And here's what I want to say to directly connect this with this podcast, which is all about fucking around and getting paid, loving life and getting paid to do this. The tension in your relationships has a price tag. Most people never add this up, but here's what the tension in your relationships is really costing you. It's costing you the business idea that's sitting in your notes app that you've never done. It's costing you the opportunities that you've talked yourself out of because, oh, it's not the right time. It's costing you the version of yourself that you keep putting on hold. It's costing yourself you being your most authentic, most vibrant, most magical self that you could possibly be. It's costing you recognizing the gifts that you have that you could be bringing to the world and costing you stepping into it. It is costing you this resentment that is quietly building under the surface because you are not living the life that you were meant to live, because you are not expressing your gifts to the fullest extent that you possibly could. And I share this because I know this, not just because I've heard the question from so many people, but that question had so much more meaning to me once I lived it myself. And I have been in many ways living this myself since I started down my own personal development path in a really like going for it way about a decade ago. But it really hit its culmination to where I fully understood the real impact of what it was causing me last year. So I want to get really personal with you today and share this. And in fact, just so that you know, there is an actual workshop that Joey and I are hosting together next week because we feel like it is our divine calling to share what we have learned publicly. And again, this is not something that Midwestern people do. Our families are very quiet about all of these kinds of things. You don't talk about it. You quietly, if you divorce, you're gonna divorce quietly and not talk about it. All of the things, like everything not talked about. We we definitely come from that mentality. It's not just Midwest, but it's very much in the Midwestern mentality. But we just know that the truth is what we need to tell. And I told some friends this weekend that I got together with, I said, all I want to do is tell the truth. And I feel like that's where I'm at right now. So for those of you who see yourself in some of the things that I just shared, you see yourself in, wow, I have asked myself that question. As I've been growing, I thought to myself, my goodness, uh, should I just stop this? Because I see it feels like it's damaging my relationships. Uh, should I just stop this because I'm feeling really uncomfortable? Maybe it would just be easier. This is a thought, ladies, that I have had so many times. It would just be easier if I just let it go and let it be and just coast through my life in this way that it feels like everybody else is doing. Why can't I be like everybody else? If you have had any of these thoughts and you've felt any of this tension in your relationships, this episode is for you. And this workshop that we're hosting next week will definitely be for you because Joey is going to be there and he's going to share his male perspective. So I'll share the details with you about that here in a minute. Um, but I just want to very clearly say we get this, we know this, we've been through this, I understand. And I also want to speak directly to how we came back together in our story. That's not always the case for everyone. And it was very interesting as I went through this experience because I felt in the moment very supported. So many beautiful friends really supported me when we separated last year and we spent months apart. I actually went and traveled Europe during those months and he stayed here. And I felt so supported. I had so many good friends who rose up and and supported me and were here for me. I also had other friendships that they obviously did not know what to say and said nothing. And that's fine. We're all on our own journey and supporting in the ways that we know that we can. But it was interesting because I felt this thing with my friends who were divorced, that they were almost celebrating that this was happening for me. And that felt so weird to me, where I was like, I almost feel like I'm going to let them down if it does end up working out for me and Joey. And I felt like my friends who are married, I was going to let them down if it didn't work out. I felt like I was in this no-win situation. And this episode, I don't want to go down the rabbit hole of your decisions and if you just choose to separate. That's actually not where we're going. But I just want to recognize and honor this experience of you feel when your things are happening in your relationship and this tension is happening. It feels like you're on an island all alone, and that nobody gets you. And so I want to be a voice here for what it feels like to be on that island and what it feels like to feel like you are going to disappoint somebody no matter what decision you make. And here's what I want to share with you the only person who matters for disappointing, the only person who matters is you. Which decision in any given moment would disappoint you? Ooh, that's the question that nobody asks themselves. That is ultimately where I got. And I did have a beautiful friend who actually brought that to me because I named to her, I had the courage, I was tearful, and I had the courage to say to her, I feel like I'm going to disappoint you if I don't divorce my husband. And she was like, Wow, wow, we had this beautiful, honest conversation where she said, you know what? I do think I'd be disappointed. She's like, Isn't that interesting? Oh my gosh. What I'm going to share today, welcome friendships like that one. Welcome friendships that are so open and so inquisitive and so curious that both of you are willing to name that to each other. That's what I want more of, which is why I'm here and I'm telling you the truth today. So, in this episode, here's what I want to share with you. I hope that you come away from this episode feeling like, okay, this is normal for me to be having this experience. This is normal that as I grow, as I step into this new big, beautiful possibility for myself, as I continue down this path of my journey of who it is that I'm intended to be on this planet, it's normal that tension, that resentment, that discomfort, that all of these things would be happening in my relationships. It's normal. It is normal. But specifically with your spouse or your partner, there are a couple of things that I learned that will change absolutely everything. And there are things that I wish somebody had told me sooner, but I probably didn't hear it till I was ready for it. You might be ready for it today. It might be why you're hearing this in your ear holes. Uh, because I was at this retreat right before I made the decision, and I happened to have a shaman in my room with me. I was rooming with a shaman, and she said she woke up, she was like laying down to go to sleep, and she sits up in bed and she says, Jennifer, I need to walk you through this exercise. I just, I know that I need to share this with you, and I need to share this exercise with you. And this exercise revealed some key takeaways that I'm gonna share with you in this episode. And if you come to our workshop next week, uh if you register for this, you will get to actually walk through this exercise because it's the most powerful thing that you can do. So I'm gonna dive into what these takeaways are for you. But first, I want to bring in a little thread here to the extent that I can from the perspective of your partner. Now I recognize your partner might be male, might be female, might whatever gender your partner is. I'm gonna speak through the lens of the masculine because again, I primarily work with women. A lot of women have a male relationship, but that's not always the case. And we recognize that divine masculine, divine feminine are happening within all of us and each of us, and some of us represent more or the other of that. So I naming that for all of us so we don't get hung up on gender here. Um, but when here's what we're actually dealing with is when you say, How do I get my husband to grow with me? How do I get my spouse to grow with me? Because that's often the question that comes up. And it's the question that I thought for years. And like I just want him to be the actual thought that I regularly had was, how do I get him to be on the same level as me? Or how do I get him to want to do this work? So if that hits you and you recognize that question, I just want to normalize that you're not doing anything wrong. You, but you do need to understand what is happening on the side of your partner because this is what I did not understand. What they hear from you when you have that energy of I just wish they would be on my level. I just wish that they would want to grow with me. What that actually activates, and the energy of that is actually an energy of not being okay with what is, not being okay with them exactly as they are. So if we notice that, then we can notice that this is actually activating inadequacy in our partner. And anybody, anybody feeling inadequate, you feeling inadequate, that doesn't feel good. But a lot of times our partners don't even know, like you don't know. They don't know that what you're saying and what you're wishing is activating this inadequacy. And here's an example like you come home so lit up. You go to a women's event or a retreat, and you're like, oh my gosh, this is so amazing. I learned so much. You're like spilling all of this stuff, and you're like, I didn't realize this stuff about myself. Oh my gosh, I want this, I want that. I did this vision board, and it has this vision of me uh doing all of these beautiful, magical things and living in this mansion and all of the things that you're starting to dream into. When you walk into an home into your environment, they haven't been at that retreat. They have not had that experience. And so, what the especially the masculine experience of that is is what I have done here is not enough. I must be failing. I must not be creating the scenario that is good enough because especially through the male perspective, their just nature is to provide. And so essentially it feels, and if they're not aware of what's happening, it feels like I'm I'm not providing and that is fear-based. So it activates fear, it activates resistance. And most men do not have language for that feeling, they haven't been taught to even know that that feeling is there. So they shut down, they push back, they go quiet, and resentment starts to slowly build. And Joey's very honest about this and about what he went through with this himself. Like he wasn't comfortable with himself, he was just focused on doing all of the things that the Midwestern culture taught him that he was supposed to do. And so when I started doing inner work and doing it really loudly, where I'm talking about it and I have a podcast about it, he, although he was very supportive and he's always been super supportive of me, it actually was bringing up uh a lot of just feeling like he wasn't doing enough. And I was also then feeling like he's not doing enough. Like I want him to grow with me. But so recognize that that's what's happening in them. And that was a really big aha for me when I really started to see through the lens of their perspective. And you can't meet somebody in anywhere if you aren't willing to pause and simply see through their perspective. It's not that they don't want to grow with you, it's not that they don't want more or don't want to expand, but maybe they have been taught that their job is literally to provide that which their parents provided or that which the dream set forth for them. They have not learned to dream, you guys. Most people in this world have literally not been taught to dream. And I realize that's not actionable, but it is information and it's really important information to take a step back and really look at oh, what are the things that I'm doing potentially activating in another person? And it's not to make excuses by any means at all, and also not to make anybody a villain or a victim, but I want you to actually see what is happening here often we are making up stories about what somebody else wants, what somebody else expects, what somebody else needs, without ever actually asking them. Have you asked? What is it that you want? And are you clear on what you want? And if we just live in those stories that we think somebody else is making, is actually thinking, but we don't actually know, we haven't had the courage and the vulnerability to ask them, we actually ourselves become a victim to those stories. Like I think that he doesn't want me to go and do these things. I think that he doesn't want me to grow. Have you actually asked? And have you gotten clear? Have you gotten clear on that? But the truth is that the work actually has nothing to do with your spouse, it has nothing to do with your partners, it has nothing to do with your loved ones at all. It actually has everything to do with something that you have likely not done. One thing that you likely have not done, and this is what that shaman had me do in that room that night that changed absolutely everything for me energetically because she asked me one question. She said, What is it that you want in a partner? And I could not answer her because Joey and I have been together since we were 17 years old, and I never thought, what is it that I want in a partnership? What is it that I want? And have you asked yourself that question? And have you gotten clear about that question? Do you even know where to start on answering that question? I did not, which is why we're doing a whole workshop about it next week. Because I could not answer that question with full clarity. There were some things that were clear, but there were other things that I was like, I don't actually know. And so if you, in your essence, do not know what it is that you want and do not feel like you deserve it, and have not energetically made the decision that this is all that you are going to accept in your experience, then there will always be resentment. As it's this quiet resentment that builds through you not even you're not asking for what you want because the universe can't provide you with what you are not clear about. So this is a place where you have to get very clear. The next thing, this is hard to hear, okay? This is hard to hear. And but I know personally how important it is is that you have to be okay with it not working out. And our Midwestern Catholic upbringing, that was not okay for me because I'm not right in the eyes of God if I don't make this work out. But if you have to make something work, we're gonna make it work. Whose shoulders are that on? Whose shoulders is that on? Yours. And it's not up to you, it's up to you to know what it is that you desire and allow the universe to bring that to you. And so you have to be okay with allowing it to not work out through your own hands. You have to trust and allow for what it is that you desire to come to you in any way that it is meant to come. This is a big, big, big power shift, my friend. This is a huge energetic shift when you untether from. You having to be the one to make something work. My ladies, you are like Atlas with the world on your shoulders. It is time to throw that globe off and allow the universe to provide what it is that you want. And you cannot wait for somebody else to shift first. You have to allow, trust, put it what it is that you want in the world out there, and trust that it is going to come to you in any way that it is meant to come. And that is how you allow the universe to work in your favor. Allow it to bring you what it is that you want. The same thing that goes to manifesting anything that goes to manifesting your desires, place the order very clearly. The waiter can't bring you what you want. If you say, Well, you know, I don't know. I don't even know why I'm here. I, you know, I want to have a good meal. But then if you don't say exactly what you want, then they could bring you what they think is a good meal, which might be cow tongue. Do you want cow tongue? Well, now you're getting cow tongue and you're resenting that cow tongue is what you're getting, but you just said you wanted a good meal and they think that that's what a good meal is. So, and now all of a sudden you're saying, I don't want that, I want something different. And they're like, But I brought you what you said you wanted. Do you see how our partners are giving us what they think that we want? But if you haven't placed the order very clearly on what you want, then they can't bring it to you. And then here's where we end up is I want my dreams, I want these things, I want my life to feel like this, to look like this. But I feel like my partner isn't meeting me there. I feel like everything that I'm doing and everything that I'm desire, desiring, and everything that I'm working toward is causing all of these rifts in my relationships. What I need you to understand is that your relationships will all completely recalibrate when you know clearly and just name and only stand for that which you want. Because your your parents, your siblings, nobody can even meet you. They can't bring you the meal that you desire. They can't bring the energy, they can't meet you in that if they think that you want cow tongue. Maybe you love, maybe you love a little lingua. That's that's not my thing. We need to place the order very clearly. So this conversation is specifically about relationships. This applies all across the board when it comes to effing around, getting paid, loving your life, living your life to the fullest. When you get to 90 years old, what is it that you desire your life to have looked like, to have felt like? Place the damn order and stand for nothing else. Let people meet you in it. Let them meet you. If they want to sit down at that table with you, they will. And if they don't, they won't. And you gotta be okay with that being the case, my friend. So Joey and I are going to be digging in real deep into this next week on Wednesday at 10 o'clock a.m. Pacific time. That is Wednesday, March 25th at 10 o'clock a.m. Pacific Time. It's a one-hour class where we are going to walk you through getting super clear on exactly what it is that you desire so that you can place your order and allow what to do to allow your partner to meet you in that. We're going to be real honest, real vulnerable. And he's going to share very honestly the male perspective of everything that he went through and how our energetic shifts that each of us made not only healed our relationships, but he hasn't had a drop of alcohol since. So much, so much has changed for us. We just really want to share honestly from our hearts. So if you want to come to this, I welcome you. If you can't come live, we will send the replay. So if this is something you want to do, uh, you can go and check the link in the show notes and go register and come with us. We would love, absolutely love to have you here. And even if you don't, I hope that you received something, some big aha, something in this episode, something that I shared that helps you because you are not too much. Your desires, your wishes for this lifetime are not too much. You deserve every single thing that you know is possible for you. And you wouldn't have even thought it if it wasn't possible for you in this lifetime. Your growth is not the problem, but it is going to start with you. And you knowing exactly what you want, you energetically holding for the possibility that what you want gets to be what you experience, and you're not waiting on somebody else to bring it to you. You're not making yourself a victim of life anymore. You are making yourself into the powerful creator that you already are. So get clear, speak your truth, be willing for it to land in any way that it needs to with your loved ones. That's where your power is, and it has been costing you every single day that you don't use it. So use it, leverage it, step into it. You can do this. I love you so much. Take care, and I hope that you enjoyed this episode and took something away for yourself. If you did, I encourage you to share it with a friend, somebody else who might need to hear the same message. This is a very real thing that so many people experience. So share it with a friend. If you love this podcast, you can go over to Apple Podcasts, scroll all the way to the bottom, click the stars that you think it deserves, leave me a little message. It would mean the absolute world to me. You just keep stepping into your magic in every way that you possibly can. See you in the next episode. Bye.